


afterglow.

by shuujinkos



Category: Metal Gear
Genre: In between 2 and 4, M/M, mostly canon compliant
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-16
Updated: 2016-11-16
Packaged: 2018-08-31 09:53:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,200
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8573758
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shuujinkos/pseuds/shuujinkos
Summary: Raiden struggles to find himself in someone else.





	1. flicker.

Every time he swatted his arm through the air to fend off a mosquito, he felt like he was dragging his arm through the ocean. The humidity was downright oppressive, at high noon in the middle of July, and he chose today of all days to go shopping. Jack wiped a hand across his forehead before carding the same hand through his hair, getting damp bangs away from his ever sweating skin. The loose black T-shirt was a mistake. He had checked the weather countless times as he walked through town, wholeheartedly disagreeing with the 85° his phone gave him every time. Sure, he thought, maybe without the 90% humidity. He almost wanted to _cry_  stepping through the doors of Trader Joe’s—Rose’s choice, as always, he would have done all of his shopping at the closest gas station if he was being honest (and he used to, before she came into the picture). The blast of cold air sent goosebumps across his entire body and he had never welcomed them more than in that moment.

He ruffled his hair, feeling that his thin, flat hair was hopeless with this kind of weather. Jack grabbed a cart and began his mission, leisurely strolling through the aisles, cringing at some prices. It’s not like they were hurting for money, honestly, but he still couldn’t help but wonder who would pay for some of the stuff lining the shelves. As he patrolled the aisles, he couldn’t help but feel he was hearing a voice that was far too familiar. Jack didn’t have friends, didn’t speak to colleagues; hell, he hardly spoke to the bartender when he went out at night. So him recognising a voice was a little bit of a big deal, but there was no way he was hearing properly, because the owner of that voice would not be idly shopping at Trader Joe’s in New York City in the middle of July.

Jack locked eyes with Solid Snake as he rounded the corner to the ice cream aisle. Snake was holding a box of green tea ice cream mochi in one hand with a flip phone pressed against his ear in the other hand. They stared at each other for a moment, Snake’s eyes flicking towards the dessert in his hands, lips slightly parted like he was in the middle of saying something to the person on the other line. Jack shook himself out of his stupor and Snake coughed.

“I’ll call you back, Hal.” He figured as much.

Snake snapped the phone shut with enough force the screen could have shattered and shoved the small brick into his pocket, tossing the ice cream down and closing the gap between them in a few broad strides. They still didn’t say anything to each other, and Jack felt his ears go red from embarrassment. They looked a little strange, two grown men silently staring at each other in the middle of a grocery store. Jack cleared his throat and tightened his grip on his cart.

“Hi,” the blond said, throat feeling incredibly dry all of a sudden. Snake stopped staring at him in amazement and ran his fingers through thick brown strands and turned to face down the aisle slightly.

“Ota... _Hal_ , wanted me to buy some...stupid...ice cream thing,” Snake muttered and shoved his hands in the pockets of some incredibly faded and atrocious camo pants. Jack nodded stiffly and moved forward, fully intending to continue his shopping trip. There was no way he wasn’t dreaming right now. He was not walking side by side with Solid Snake in a God damned Trader Joe’s on July 18th, 2009. It was not possible for Snake to be here, in front of him, discussing things like the weather and the contents of his shopping cart.

Jack finished his round of the store and stalled by the beer, shifting his weight from foot to foot. Snake was non-subtly eyeing a case of beer, and he could tell that this was just as shell shocking of an event for him. Jack rubbed the back of his neck and looked to the side, letting his hand fall after a good few seconds.

“Are you going to be here long?” Clear eyes turned to him and Snake raised a thick eyebrow. Even though the majority of April 29th he had seen the man without the headband, it was still strange to see the way his shaggy bangs hung over his eyes. He needed a haircut. Snake scratched at his stubbly chin and shrugged his shoulders.

“Was probably going to grab the ice cream and leave.” Jack laughed and leaned against his cart, shaking his head slowly.

“No, I mean in New York.” Snake huffed and broke eye contact, shoving his hands back into his pockets. Jack looked to the ground and idly played with the hem of his shirt. He figured that would be his answer. They didn’t speak for another couple of minutes before Jack grabbed a hold of his cart and plastered the worst smile he had ever faked on to his face. “I’ll see you around.”

He started off and wished Snake would grab his arm. He didn’t. He didn’t say anything, either. Jack stalked to the front of the store and paid for his groceries, putting them back in the cart so he didn’t have to carry seven bags outside while he hailed a taxi back to his apartment. He stood outside, already feeling himself starting to sweat again, and staring at the screen of his iPhone as he googled the number of a taxi. Like hell he was just going to stand and wait for one in this heat.

“I drove,” came a voice from behind him. Jack almost jumped out of his skin, almost dropped his phone, and almost _screamed_ , but instead he whirled around on his heel to stare up at Solid Snake. The brunet had two boxes of mochi ice cream in his hand, one chocolate and the other green tea. He looked at them and a grin cracked across his face. “The chocolate’s for me.”

Without exchanging a word, Jack and Snake loaded his groceries in the back of a rust coloured pickup truck and then got into the front seats. Snake’s truck roared to life, which it seemed to be barely clinging to, and he peeled out of the parking lot. Jack explained the directions to his complex, and Snake stared at him incredulously.

“You walked here?” Snake asked gruffly, cutting off a cab without turning his blinker on. Jack did not necessarily feel safe with Snake behind the wheel.

“Yeah, I don’t know how to drive.” He set his chin in his hand, elbow propped against the window. Snake snorted and rolled his eyes, making a turn at approximately 35 MPH. If he hadn’t already been leaning against the window he would have smacked his head against it.

“You’ll call a taxi home but not there? You’re strange, kid.” Jack shrugged his shoulders. It was almost comforting to hear Snake call him ‘kid’ again. The rest of the car ride was spent in silence, aside from Jack muttering directions under his breath. The air conditioning was cranked all the way up and the radio was off. Snake pulled off to the side of the road just before his complex and shoved his truck into park, turning his shoulders to face him slightly.

“I can’t give you my number, but give me yours.” Jack blinked and looked over to the older man, raising a thin eyebrow. “I have something to do right now, but we’ll be in New York for another day or two…” his voice trailed off and he ran a hand through brown locks, huffing slightly. “I’m not planning on just disappearing after meeting you in a grocery store.” Jack nodded slowly and pulled out his phone. The phone was new; in fact, it was the first cell phone he’d ever owned, so he didn’t exactly know his own number (Rose’s however, he had committed to memory). Snake pulled out his ancient flip phone and entered his number in.

“I’m guessing you also can’t really help me bring my bags in?” Snake rubbed his nose and held his phone back to him. Jack took it and shoved it into the pocket of his jeans. Snake pulled the truck out of park and drove into the complex parking lot, and Jack directed him to the correct building to park in front of. Snake drove away and left Jack on the sidewalk with his seven bags, and he was almost glad he lived on the first floor even though their upstairs neighbours were God awful. He very carefully and skillfully managed to fill his arms with all seven bags and hobbled to his door, knocking on it with his foot. Rosemary came to the door with a perturbed look on her face, which melted away when she saw who was knocking.

“You scared me half the death, Jack,” she muttered, grabbing two bags from him as she shook her head. Jack smiled sheepishly and stepped in, closing the door with his foot. He moved to the kitchen to set all the bags down, letting Rosemary take care of emptying them all properly. She started to ask him something, but he was already halfway to their room, pulling his shirt from his skin with the intent to take a shower. July…Hell, all of summer was the season of multiple showers a day. He just wanted to lay down and wait for Snake to call.

His heart beat so fast thinking about it he almost fell over in the shower.

 

The next day, he got up at the ass crack of dawn to jog while it was still slightly cool outside, like he did every day. He got home and showered, dressed, and went to work without eating breakfast. He ate his lunch at the Subway in the BX and pointedly stared at his phone the entire time and didn’t finish half of his sandwich. He went back to work, unfortunately stuck on a shift at the gate before he got to go home for the day. Considering the fact that FOXHOUND didn’t necessarily exist, Jack had “enlisted” in the Air Force (with a little bit of help from Roy Campbell he avoided a lot of pointless bullshit) and found himself bored with it already. It had barely been a few months.

He’d much rather spend time at home with his wife; or better yet, he’d rather spend his time at the bar ignoring his life.

He got home before Rosemary as usual, peeled off his uniform and lay down on the couch in nothing more than his briefs. It was much too hot to wear any clothes, and he just wanted to sit in front of the fan instead of taking a cold shower or turning the ac down a little bit like a normal person. He had to pay for both of those things, and he just wanted to be lazy while he still could. He stared at his phone, read a couple random click bait articles, and finally gave up on waiting after an hour had passed. Turning on the TV for noise, Jack laid his arm over his eyes and let daydreams take over.

The door opening almost startled him off the couch, and he sat up hurriedly. He had meant to get dressed before Rose came home, but it’s not like he had anything to be embarrassed about. She stared at him, hair frizzy from the humidity, stomach looking rounder by the day, and put her hands on her hips.

“Did you not get my message?” she scolded, closing the door and shutting out the heat. Jack sheepishly picked his phone up and opened the unread text from Rose, asking to pull ingredients for dinner out of the refrigerator.

“Sorry.”

As he stumbled into his apartment with a swollen face that night, he cursed the fact that Snake would get his hopes up like this.

 

Tuesday the 20th went exactly the same way as the previous day, gate duty and all. Except when he got home, he took another shower, dressed in a plain white T-shirt and a pair of cargo shorts, and left with no real intention of returning until Rose was asleep. The sun was burning as it slowly set as he walked around the town; summer probably wouldn’t be so damn hot if New York City wasn’t made entirely of cement. He settled in a park in the shade of a tree and lay in the grass with his arms behind his head. He had never meant to fall asleep, and the awakening he wanted was not a swift kick in the ribs.

His eyelids flew open and Jack sat up faster than light. He glared up into the light of a flashlight, holding his tongue.

“Evening, officer,” Jack grumbled, rubbing his eyes.

He checked his dying phone and sighed. He didn’t even want to go to the bar. After convincing the cop he wasn’t homeless, he roamed around the ever bustling city. It was already, technically, Wednesday, and he had a feeling he wasn’t going to work tomorrow. Jack ran a hand through his hair, staring up at the blank black sky. He scarcely remembered the sight of starry Liberian skies. He had a couple of missed texts from Rose, but no calls. Jack shoved his phone back into his pocket and trekked home.

He slept on the couch that night, and the next night, and for a week following that, until he packed his things and left.

“You deserve something better than this,” Jack said dryly, cupping Rosemary’s cheek in one hand and wiping at her tears. “I’ll pay anything you want for support.”

She didn’t contact him until Christmas Eve, to tell him his son didn’t make it into the real world.

 

Raiden hit the ground with the force of someone who had been picked up and thrown onto it, which is exactly the situation he was in. He couldn’t remember the last time he didn’t get literally thrown out of a bar. How many wouldn’t serve him anymore? He wiped the blood from his nose and lay there on the ground, not willing to get up and drag himself back to the shitty studio apartment he could barely afford. He was surprised he hadn’t gotten arrested yet. Maybe it was the fact that he always drank in his uniform.

A figure stood over him, blocking the lights of the city and the light of the moon, and it took swollen eyes a moment to bring the man into focus.

“Liar,” Raiden rasped with a grin before he blacked out.

He woke up on the most comfortable bed he’d ever been in with a headache that explained exactly what had caused him to pass out in the first place. He rolled over and pulled the covers over his head with a groan. He wasn’t in his own bed, of course, and at this point he didn’t give a shit whose bed it was. He needed some water, some vicodin, and 14 more hours of sleep.

“Rise and shine, kid, you can’t stay here forever. In fact, I only got us one night and check out’s in an hour.” Raiden lifted himself up and his entire body throbbed. He sighed and forced his eyes open, locking eyes with Solid Snake. That’s right. The one he’d seen last night had been Snake. So he wasn’t dreaming after all. He carded a hand through his greasy, tangled hair and looked towards the window, the drapes pulled shut. Sunlight barely filtered through. So they were in a hotel. Snake sat in a chair in the corner, in a pair of black jeans and a brown bomber jacket over a plain grey T-shirt. He was smoking. Raiden clicked his tongue and swung his legs over the side of the bed, deciding to bite his tongue until he was fully awake.

The light in the bathroom made his head split, but there was a water bottle and a nondescript package of painkillers on the counter, next to a pair of blue jeans, white and blue baseball tee, and a clean pair of briefs and socks. Hung up on the door was his favourite jacket. Snake really broke into his house to get him clothes? Though he supposed his keys were at his disposal. He took a painfully quick shower and dry swallowed the pills, washing the taste of stale alcohol from his mouth by drinking directly from the sink. He left the water bottled untouched. He got dressed and folded his dirty clothes on the counter.

He exited the bathroom and Snake had moved to the balcony, letting cold air filter in. Was it still winter? Raiden rubbed his eyes and let himself onto the balcony leaning against the rails and squinting against the cloudy sunlight. Snake took a slow drag from his cigarette before handing it to him. Raiden took it and smoked it until he couldn’t hold it anymore.

“I’m so fucked up,” he finally croaked, burying his face in his arms. Snake put a hand on his head and ruffled his hair.

“Let’s get you home, Jack.” Raiden clicked his tongue and stumbled back into the hotel room. He awkwardly stood behind Snake as he checked out of the hotel and they roamed the city for a shitty diner to get breakfast. He got the cheapest thing on the menu and didn’t finish it, and Snake paid for him. Snake talked the whole time, and Raiden couldn’t bring himself to reply much beyond noncommittal grunts. They trudged back to the hotel as snow began to fall.

“Do you remember the way?” Raiden asked, a sardonic twinge filtering into his still groggy voice. Snake laughed through his nose and the truck struggled to start before it sputtered to life.

“Did you just move in?” Snake asked, flicking his lighter to light a cigarette. Jack looked around his apartment. There was a couch, a pull out he never bothered to pull out anyways, and a dresser. He rubbed the back of his neck and shrugged.

“Don’t really need much else.”

Snake sat on his couch, and Raiden sat on the singular bar stool at his kitchen counter. Silence filled the air worse than the smoke curling from the end of Snake’s cigarette. Raiden hopped off the stool and trudged in front of Snake. He grabbed the cigarette, took a drag, and planted his hand on the couch behind Snake, leaning down and breathing the smoke into the brunet’s open mouth. He closed his lips once he’d run out of a breath and pushed forward, hungrily, needily, desperately. Snake held him by the hips and pushed back against him. Raiden crumbled to his knees and held Snake’s face in his hands, before they dropped to his sides.

“I’m _so fucked up_ ,” Raiden echoed, resting his head against Snake’s knee.


	2. static.

_“It doesn’t matter anymore. Can you do this one thing for me? Snake, please…” The sound of Jack’s voice cracking made him wince. Tears did not fall or even well up in the teal eyes that stared up at him, unrested and empty. David slowly placed his hands on the younger man’s face and kissed him again, slow but hard, pushing against him until he almost fell off the couch._

_“Call me David.”_

David knew leaving was quite possibly the worst thing he could do for Jack, and he knew giving him what he wanted was still worse. Jack meant more to him than he’d like to admit, being the only one he could latch onto, to pass his knowledge and teaching on to, and he felt like he could break their relationship by doing this. If getting Jack to stop looking at him like he was the only thing left in the world would destroy this carefully balanced bond they shared, David decided to say _fuck it._

The pull out didn’t even have any sheets on it, and it didn’t take much for him to guess that Jack never slept on it properly, anyways. It was a shitty mattress, he claimed. So they wrestled on the couch until someone was comfortable, with Jack pinned to the cushions by his shoulders so harshly David’s hands left marks. He didn’t know what Jack wanted from him, but tender touches were far from it. The sun filtered through terribly thin curtains, starting to fall as the afternoon set in. The heat wasn’t on, but they didn’t need it.

Jack was too thin, too cold, too scarred. The various tattoos littering his pale skin were faded, except for the serial number scrawled across his chest. He had never questioned them, and doubted the blond remembered getting them in the first place. He was definitely still in shape, but past that David was sure taking care of himself was the last thing on Jack’s mind. He was responsive, quiet, and his porcelain skin flushed at his every touch.

When Jack brought his hands around his throat, David realised he had a lot more self control than he thought he did. It wasn’t really his kind of thing, but he marveled at the way Jack’s breathing tapered off until he was digging his nails into his arm to tell him to stop.

Jack came without David touching his cock once and hid his face in his hands until David was done.

“Shower’s…Over there somewhere,” Jack grumbled as he curled up, making himself small enough to fit on one cushion. David ran a hand through his hair before sitting on the couch and fixing his pants. “Over there” wasn’t exactly descriptive, but in a studio apartment, he didn’t really need to be. He looked to the puddle of pale skin next to him and sighed through his nose, standing up and grabbing Jack’s wrist. The blond groaned as he was pulled to his feet, leaning against David with his face in his shoulder.

“You’re not so worn out from one round that you can’t shower,” David huffed, ruffling thin blond strands before dragging Jack towards the bathroom, pushing him inside. Jack reluctantly turned on the shower, and looked over to him with squinted eyes. They were both in varying stages of undress, having not bothered to fully tear off each other’s clothes before going at it. Jack pulled off his shirt and leaned against the wall, running a hand through his hair.

“I’m sorry.” David cringed slightly, leaning against the counter as he tried to decide when he could leave without feeling _too_ terrible. He looked over to the blond and sighed softly, reaching across the small room to grab Jack by the arm and pull him closer. “I fucked up my own life so bad and I thought maybe you could help somehow but who am I kidding? You have better things to do, you don’t have to waste your time on me…” He chewed his lip as Jack spoke, not having anything to offer.

“Wouldn’t really call it wasting my time,” he muttered, the humid air of the bathroom sticking to the back of his throat. Jack snorted and rested his chin on his shoulder, presumably staring at himself in the mirror.

“Oh thank you for your kind words, all of my insecurities have dissolved,” Jack said sarcastically, loosely wrapping his arms around David’s waist. “God I just…Ever since that day I haven’t felt like I was alive. Is that wrong?”

_(It doesn’t have to be that way. I’m not like you, I love life!)_

David swallowed his tongue and pat the blond on the head.

_(There’s a killer inside you.)_

“No,” he croaked, wrapping his arms tighter around Jack.

Jack showered first and David trapped him in before he could get out, pinning him to the wall and kissing every inch of skin he could reach without drowning. Jack’s breath came out in soft, measured puffs as he tried to shy away. David pinned his arms to the walls, pressing into his wrists so hard they would bruise, and kissed him until he couldn’t breathe.

 

David ordered pizza and took up the whole couch, sprawling across it with a cigarette between his lips. He looked around the unoccupied space of Jack’s apartment, and over to Jack staring into the empty contents of his fridge. The only thing in it was a half full case of beer.

“You should get a TV,” David muttered offhandedly, blowing smoke through his nose. Jack grabbed two beers and shut the fridge, turning to him and raising an eyebrow.

“You look a little too comfortable,” he snorted, circling the counter and sitting on the carpet in front of the couch. David shrugged. Jack pulled his knees up and rested his arms over them, sighing softly. “Besides, I’m not here a lot anyway. Just to sleep.” David raised an eyebrow and shrugged again. They sat in stale silence until the pizza came. David left a ridiculous tip and grinned slightly, taking the cigarette from his lips.

“Otacon’s money,” he said smugly. Jack rolled his eyes and stared at the window as he nibbled away at two slices of pizza. David ate five slices and bullied the blond into eating the last slice, but Jack didn’t get halfway through it before he started looking pale.

“I don’t eat much,” Jack muttered as he set down the half-eaten slice. David swiped it right back up and it was gone in seconds. They sat together on the floor, smoking through the rest of David’s pack of cigarettes and drinking through the rest of Jack’s pack of beer. Moonlight peered through the window whenever clouds didn’t obscure it, and Jack had nodded off with his head in his knees not long after finishing his last can.

David crumpled all the cans and threw them in the empty pizza box, closing it and setting it on the kitchen counter. He carefully lifted Jack onto the couch and sighed slightly, running a hand through his hair. He looked towards the door and shoved his hands in his pockets. Leaving in the middle of the night was a bad idea, right? He sat on the arm of the couch and folded his arms over his chest. He pulled out his decrepit cell phone and called Hal, moving instead into the closet.

“ _How’s he doing?_ ”

“He’s not,” Snake admitted grimly. On the other line, Hal sighed and there was a little bit of rustling around.

“ _How long do you plan on keeping him company, Snake?_ ” The question made him start. Well, he was just planning on leaving, wasn’t he? Although, perhaps he had called Hal to tell him he would be back a little later than planned? He ran his hand through his hair and peered out into the living room, at Jack sprawled out over the couch looking more peaceful than he’d ever seen him. David sighed and leaned against the empty walls of the closet.

“Until I have the guts to tell him that he’s not me.” Hal was silent, biting his tongue. David turned the empty cigarette pack over in his free hand, staring at the ground.

“ _I see. Well…At least try to call before you come back._ ” The line went dead before he could say anything, and he snapped the phone shut, shoving it into his pockets. He zipped up his coat and stalked over to the door, shoving his shoes on and leaving the apartment as quietly as he could.

The only places open were gas stations, but he was sure that Jack wouldn’t really mind groceries from a convenience store. He bought as much as he could carry by himself and went straight back, struggling with the door for a moment before slipping inside. The light in the kitchen was on, and Jack was sitting up on the couch, drinking water out of a bowl. They stared at each other for a moment before David closed the door with his foot.

“Bought some things,” David grumbled, holding up his arms laden with bags. Jack nodded and set the bowl on the floor.

“I see that.”

The brunet moved into the kitchen and began putting things away. Silence fell back between them until he was done, and Jack stood up and meekly stood in the entrance to the kitchen. David raised his eyebrows, leaning against the counter.

“You don’t have to do all this for me,” Jack whispered, sounding like he was going to cry, as he rubbed his arm. David shrugged and cleared his throat.

“I’m doing this because…” he trailed off, staring hard at Jack for a moment or two. The blond looked up at him before shying away from his intense gaze and staring at the floor again. “I…” he sighed and scraped a hand through his hair, scratching at his scalp.

“I don’t want your pity, David,” Jack said slowly, wringing his hands. David bit his lip and closed the gap between them, setting his hands on Jack’s shoulders. Jack winced, but brought himself to make eye contact.

“I do not pity you, Jack. When I look at you, I see myself. Not just because you were molded to be me, but because I have been in this same place,” he held his tongue, a thousand different things to say swimming through his brain. “Not for the same reasons, but I’ve been here.” Jack stared up at him with those empty eyes and he wanted to scream, he wanted to punch him until he fought back, he wanted to fuck him until nothing else mattered. Instead, he sighed and pulled the blond into a hug, squeezing probably a little too tightly.

“I don’t want you to become me. You said it yourself. You’ll choose your own life,” he rested his chin on top of Jack’s head and fell silent. Jack didn’t say anything, but squeezed his arms between them and pushed them apart. David stared at him, fully expecting to see the same expression. Instead, Jack’s eyes were glazed over with tears, though they didn’t fall.

“I thought,” he cleared his throat, tried to get it not to crack. “I thought if I poured myself into you, I wouldn’t have to worry about being me anymore.” His eyes slowly dropped to the ground and the tears clinging to fair lashes rolled down his cheeks. “I thought if I had you, in some way or another, my life wouldn’t suck.” He laughed bitterly and rubbed viciously at his eyes.

“I can’t take away everything that’s bad in your life. You don’t want to be me, either. You have to live your life as Jack, whether you like it or not.” Jack bit his lip, his shoulders fell slightly, and he sniffled softly. David gently set his hand on the blond’s shoulder and gripped it lightly. Jack reached up and put his hand over his, not holding it, just laid it on top. Jack tried to smile, and David tried to grin. Both attempts failed.

“Thank you, Snake.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> snake/raiden makes me very emotional. i'm very emotional.


End file.
